The last week of pregnancy

"Stretchmarks are the badge of a real woman."
I have never before known what it is like to be 9 months pregnant. In my former life I would occasionally meet women who were, like I am now, in the last few days of whale-hood. Looking at them sympathetically, I would murmer a few words of condolence and move on with life. What can I say -- I never knew.

I never knew that behind that, "Oh, I am so ready for this baby to come," was a desperate woman trying to convey nine months of waiting, bloating, swelling, burning, leaking, crying, laughing, hurting, and finally, despairing of ever NOT being pregnant. I used to think that the actual BIRTH was the part of pregnancy every woman dreaded. That moment of excitement/agony/panic/happiness that culminates the incubation period seemed like the most difficult part of the process. I mean, on television all an expectant woman does is waddle around for a few months holding her belly and eating everything in sight. Then, when "the time has come," she tells her panicky husband to take her to the hospital, and hilarity ensues.

THAT was when the pain was supposed to start. When I got pregnant, I knew about this pain and made plans to circumvent it. The magic Epidural. You see, I had no intention of actually feeling any of the pain associated with childbirth (at least not after the first few pangs), so I pretty much figured I had it covered! Now I could just sit back and enjoy the little pleasures that come with the beautiful miracle of growing a child.

HA! (I say that with all the love and affection of a mother who dearly loves her baby. But seriously, what was I thinking?)

"Life is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.”
With the echoes of friends saying, "Oh, I never felt better than when I was pregnant," still ringing in my ears, I spent the first six months of this "beautiful miracle" with my head in the toilet. My husband Bobby, bless his soul, became the first man to perfect the 6-second snackie, managing to make it from my side to the kitchen and back with a panic snack in less time than it took for me to grunt and shove my way to a sitting position to receive it. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn't, and when it didn't . . . . (Don't forget, girls. We women are expected to go through this misery while continuing to do any and everything we always have done. Puking at work used to mean an immediate ticket to a nice cozy bed and hot soup. Now it just means you've got a few hours to get some work done before the next bout hits. Buck up and get back to it!)

So just about the time the nausea thing is letting up, the swelling kicks into gear. I first noticed that my right hand was going tingly all the time. "Not to worry. Just get a brace . . . it's all part of the pregnancy." Ok! No problem. Then my left hand joined the prickle party, followed by my right big toe and my left pinkie toe. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? But it's "all part of the pregnancy," and "millions of women have dealt with it before you," my friends, family members and the occasional stranger assure me. Well, I don't want to be the first woman in history who can't handle a little numbness, so I accept it and move on.

Then the real swelling came.

My doctor told me I would probably forget what my feet looked like before I was pregnant. Feet? What feet? Did I ever actually have feet? You mean these elephant stumps I'm walking around on are not my normal mode of transportation? Then my legs, arms and face joined in the fun. I can't wait to see what I'm going to look like next. Right now I feel like an overfilled Macy's balloon. Grab a rope, everybody!

A hot-air balloon might be a better description, actually. The heat that rages up from the belly of the balloon makes it sit up straight in bed at night and cry out for it's handler to get some chocolate soy milk. (The miracle cure.) Oh, BOY have I had heartburn! I could be eating greasy fries dipped in fire sauce or simply drinking a glass of water -- the result is the same. Flame-ola! I guess it can only be expected when every one of your organs, including your stomach, has been elbowed and kicked up into an area the size of a thimble. Nowhere to go but up!

"Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside." -- Rita Rudner
Speaking of thimbles, let's discuss the bladder, shall we? I think that squishing your bladder may be God's plan to help you get ready for motherhood and the all-night feedings. At least that's what I tell myself when my daughter cues up the "bladder ballet" at one in the morning. (And two-thirty, and four-fifteen, and six o'clock . . . ) The rest of the day isn't much better. You know you're pregnant when you start contemplating the benefits of a catheter. Especially at your weekly doctor's visits when it's "specimen time." Wheeeheee!! :

"I'm a Pregasauraus...mess with me and you'll be extinct."
It doesn't help being an emotional wreck, either. I can't watch even the "Price is Right" without bawling my eyes out. "Look, they're so happy they won. Isn't that sweet??? *sob*" My poor husband is so confused by my sudden outbursts of emotion. But like the trooper he is, he comforts me whether I'm losing it over something legit, or just losing it. (Most often it's the latter.) I heard once that the most common pregnancy craving is for men to be the ones who get pregnant. How true! In my weaker moments Bobby has become well-aware that he would be doing this if it weren't impossible. (And to his credit, sweet man, I believe he would do that for me. Or maybe he's just saying so because he knows it's impossible . . . hmmm.) :)

"If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters." --Nora Ephron
Yes, it's true that this pregnancy has not been the gleeful, joyous jaunt through a field of daisies that I signed up for. But ya know what? I can actually agree with the millions of women who have experienced this phenomenon before me - - on one point, "It's all totally worth it." After all, as someone once said, "Babies are such a nice way to start people." I haven't even met my daughter yet, and already I love her more than anything in this world. She's a little gift from God to my husband and me, and when I first hold her in my swollen arms and touch her face with my numb finger, I know something for sure . . . I'd sign up to do it all over again!

But oh, I am SO ready to have this baby . . . :)

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for." -- Unknown Author

To all my faithful readers

I have just learned that some people are actually READING my blog, so now I have incentive to update it! Before this point I was just kind-of shouting out to the world at random, visualizing some unwitting fool who might stumble on this someday like a kind of time-capsule. I have a renewed sense of purpose! Thank you, my faithful reader(s). :)

And as a reward for your loyalty, here is a picture of Bobby and me taken for the church directory. I say reward because this is a very rare occurrence - I hate having my picture taken!! Especially since I've become the bloated, hairy, gassy, swollen, nauseated mess that is pregnancy. AND because I have a really stupid camera that doesn't work half the time, so photos are even more rare in our house than usual. That will have to change soon, though. I am well aware of the requirements of first time parents when it comes to boring their friends with loads of photos of their adorable new arrival. You can count on me!! :)

Oh, and about Bobby

My last post seemed to be pretty much like I'm doing this all on my own. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I couldn't do any of it without Bobby, my knight in shining armor. I could go on for hours about how wonderful he has been to me, and how thoroughly spoiled I am (and believe me, I have. Just ask my friends at work.)

I have only to hint that I'm not feeling good and he's right there, asking if he can help. He has gone with me to appointments that bore him to tears, he has cleaned the house (thoroughly, I might add), taken care of the cats, and made so many meals and snacks he could rival Emeril at this point. The only thing he hasn't done is hold my head while I puke (he generally runs the other direction when he sees me head for the bathroom), but he's right there to hug me and tuck me in bed when it's over.

All this on top of working on our house, upkeep on the church, planting our garden and working his handyman business. Who could ask for a better husband? Not me, that's for sure!!

On the Nest

It has been a while since my last post, and a lot has happened. The biggest event in my life, ever, other than getting married, happened about a week before Christmas when I saw the bright blue plus sign staring up at me from the little white stick. Pregnant? Me? From that very moment I became a different person. Mostly a sick person, but definitely different.

The weeks and months that followed have been filled with doctors' appointments, ultrasounds, eating, puking, more eating and more doctor's appointments. I've been stabbed, stuck, probed, and generally exposed to multiple humiliations (including puking at my own birthday party), and I'm only halfway through!

BUT, lest you think me an unfit, complaining mother, I must tell you how much I fell in love with that little alien in the ultrasound photo, and how amazing it was to see her little hands punching me in the gut, and her little feet swirling in the air. I even loved seeing her teensy bladder full of pee (although I have a feeling that thrill will leave me after a few days of changing diapers.)

At this point I'm halfway through, due August 16. I'm still waiting to get over the "morning sickness" (which is such a misnomer. It is NOT just in the morning) but I have hope that it will be soon. In the meantime I'm waiting to feel her first movement, and looking for names (which is SO hard, you have no idea.) If you have any suggestions, I'll be glad to hear them. Although, I must warn you, I tend to be a bit picky, since I've pretty much heard them all!

I'll try to keep you updated on the progress. So far so good, praise the Lord! I am so grateful for an apparently healthy baby. I just pray that I can keep her that way once she gets here!

Castles and Crowns VBS

We just had our VBS program in July, and it was a blast. Lots of work, but it was totally worth it. The kids had almost as much fun as the adults. My parents were the king and queen (a little too convincingly). Also, Bobby's birthday was on the second day, so we surprised him with a cake! Here are a few pics. . .

Hilarious bowling blooper

I laugh every time I see this . . .

On vacation again

I'm going to have to start calling this my vacation blog, cause that seems to be all I write about. Maybe it's because vacations are the only time I have time to write.

We are at Gatlinburg, TN, this weekend for Fourth of July. This has become a bi-yearly tradition, although it was never intended to be that. Somehow I wasn't consulted when all this came about, cause this is not my kind of vacation. Not because it's not enjoyable, but it's not really restful for me. I'm not a bugs and nature kind of girl, and that's about the only thing to do around here. Except for shopping, but unless you go to the outlets in Pigeon Forge, the only things you can buy are dinky souvenirs or t-shirts or overpriced crafts. Do I sound like I'm in a bad mood. Maybe. :)

I guess cause I wanted to go swimming -- the only thing I really wanted to do today -- and it's raining. And it's scheduled to rain ALL DAY long. I may go crazy!! :)